Secure Yourself to Heaven

 "Secure yourself to heaven. Hold on tight, the night has come. Fasten up your earthly burdens, You have just begun." -- The Indigo Girls

So, I listened to this song several times on an a cappella choir album on Spotify before I ever knew it was an Indigo Girls song. So, when I saw that it was I thought, oh maybe I might like the Indigo Girls. I found an album on Spotify and pressed play. Within 30 seconds, oh no, no, no, no. I do not like the Indigo Girls. Ha ha. 

Funny enough, when I was riding back to Portland on the train, a couple younger women got on at one of the stops after Seattle but still in Washington. And they very loudly talked about an Indigo Girls concert they had gone to. It was pretty annoying because it was so loud that my noise-canceling headphones couldn't block them out, which made it impossible to really enjoy anything like reading, playing a game, or listening to music. They were with me the whole way back to Portland.

As the title suggests, I have "secured myself to heaven." When I walked away from Mormonism 4 years ago at my 20 year mark, which was exactly half my life, I had initially tired to stay in something Christian. I was originally interested in Catholicism and was research stuff on that. There were things that I did enjoy and had had the plan to continue, but unfortunately despite it being the religion of her whole family, my mom being an evangelical, could not accept that any more than my Mormonism, so she continued to harass me about religion. I ended up giving up on all of it together.

I was fine for a while until I ended up living with Leslie and found myself crying ever night before bed not knowing how I was ever going to get out of there as things had ramped up pretty badly after she went apeshit because I gave attention to one of my other friends that I was meeting in person for the first time at the Lego convention. He was there with his wife and kids and we were just saying high and spoke very briefly. Leslie wigged out and claimed I "forgot" she was there. I didn't forget she was there at all. I didn't walk off with the guy, we were still sitting at the same table, I just spoke to him for a few minutes instead of her and about Legos, not something she can really participate in because she doesn't collect them but was there because she expects to go everywhere with me. This 5-10 minutes I gave this guy ended up making Leslie decide that I actually hated her and was just using her. This escalated into me being accused of making exasperation noises that didn't happen after she said hi to me one day while I was in the living room eating lunch, declining an invite to go with me somewhere I had invited her because she was "just a tag along", and culminated in her accusing me of not being able to wait to move out so that I didn't have to share with her anymore.

That final one was the straw that broke the camel's back. I need to get out of there because this girl was not living in reality. Everyone knows I don't use people and everyone knows I share almost everything. 

I started to desperately pray to find some way to get out. Thankfully, as soon as I did, things started moving really quickly. An apartment complex I had seen on Facebook, came to mind and the things that were preventing me from getting my own place, were not issues at this complex. I drove over to check it out and I liked it. So I applied and got the apartment. I was so relieved, and on top of that, I had to move in within 3 weeks for I'd lose the apartment. So, I was going to get out of there quickly. 

There was of course a lot of drama around me leaving but by the grace of God, I got out.

I've bounced back and forth between being connected and not. It was harder as I didn't have a comfortable place to call home for things pertaining to God. My exodus from Mormonism came at a point where I knew if I stayed in, I was going to take my life. Not that I wanted to die, but I wouldn't have been able to keep going. It was no longer the place I had thought it was, it was no longer what I thought I had joined.

Through another interesting series of events, I was connected with another church that was more like what I thought Mormonism had been up until the last 10 or so years before my departure. It's less than a mile from my apartment. I have not attended yet, but I have watched their services on youtube. 

As I drew closer to God, I was much more at ease, especially because it helped me finally escape Leslie. I had stayed friends with her because I had hoped it would get better just not living with her. It didn't, and my attempts to tell my dad about what was going on had all failed and I knew he'd get mad at me if I dropped her because sadly, during my entire time I was there, he kept saying things that indicated to me that he was sure I was making a nuisance of myself. And every time I told him about something Leslie had done for me, he would say to make sure I wasn't using her. That really hurt. It hurt that my dad didn't know that I don't use people and that he assumed I was a nuisance that wasn't giving Leslie space instead of the other way around. I felt so alone during that time.

Anyway, when the last straw of even wanting to remain friends happened and I blocked her and her friends and family's numbers, she tried to reach out to me in other ways, thankfully short of showing up on my doorstep. I panicked, what do I do. And I got the distinct instruction to not engage. Which I realized was the absolute correct thing to do. If I engaged with her, she would manipulate me back and I would lose and I would die if I couldn't get away from her. I was an absolute mess at this point.

Thankfully, here and there I have received help and little inspirations on how to handle things or for things to work out or good experiences to assuage my anxiety for doing practically anything outside my home. 

God speaks to me through song quite often, and there has been a couple ones recently that have been helpful. When I've worried about something specific or general impending disaster, Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" has come into my head. Or when I had questions about why certain things happened, the Beatles song "Let It Be" came into my head, the part that goes, "there will be an answer, let it be." That one I've heard before, and it did come true, answers did come. Another one off the top of my head that I received years ago was Wilson Phillps "hold on for one more day" and the thing I had worried about or waited for came within a day or two.

Now post Leslie, if I feel like I'm going insane, I realize I've been a bit too away from God and just need to get back into things involving him.

Lastly, I'll leave you with this cool little poem I came across:

Desiderata: Words for Life by Max Enhrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.