"There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables Now my friends are dead and gone. Here they talked of revolution. Here it was they lit the flame. Here they sang about `tomorrow'. And tomorrow never came." -- Marius, Les Miserables
I feel really strange to be at this place and time. I don't understand my life. I don't understand what the purpose of most of it was. I'm filled with so much regret. I always believed I would overcome the many obstacles in my path. That I would one day find what my heart was searching for, "[I] talked of revolution," and "[I] sang about 'tomorrow'. And tomorrow never came." And it hasn't been for a lack of trying either. I have tried so hard to right my ship, and I did everything I could think of to do so.
When I had moved here almost 3 years ago I had high hopes that I was finally getting away from people in my life that wanted to keep me under their thumb. That didn't appreciate me, my thoughts, my feelings, my generosity. And I got here and landed right into what I was trying to get away from. I try to think there should have been some way for me to have seen this coming. But I also don't know how I could have. No normal person thinks a very enthusiastic friend that acts like you're the bees knees is going to turn out to be an emotionally abusive Jekyll and Hyde. Thankfully, I escaped that 4 months ago but it has taken the most unimaginable toll on me and sent me so backwards it's starting to feel impossible to even reverse any of it sometimes.
I had also moved here to be closer to my dad, wanting to repair a strained relationship we had most of my adult life. It did improve but the confidence that I lost from the abusive friend situation made me less brave to go out and see him, make the drive to the top of Washington. He had also had plans to come down to see me again but different health challenges that him and my step-mom were facing prevented that from happening. I was actually going to visit him finally and make the trek in mid-May. But he ended up in the hospital the last week of April with his cancer coming back with a vengeance. I took the train up to Seattle and spent a week there with him, my step-mom, and my brother. He seemed to really be improving and they released him to go home. Unfortunately, the couple months after it was hard to get a hold of him. I usually only got about 10 minutes with him until he abruptly had to get off the phone for some unknown reason. I did get a decent conversation with him when him and my step-mom were coming back from attending my step-cousin's graduation and we had planned for me to come in October. Then the week of July 4th, my step-mom texted us that he had backslid and was referred for hospice. On the 4th of July, I drove up to Port Angeles, Washington to see him for what was expected to be the last time. He died this week on Tuesday. So, I ran out of time with him. I didn't even really get to say a real goodbye to him where I could tell him I loved him and would miss him because he was so confused at the end that he didn't know he was dying and we wouldn't see each other again.
I''ve been no stranger to relational conflict. Even seeing my brother again on both trips reminded me that I hadn't just left California to only get away from my mom, but to get away from him too because he is often her partner in crime in the crap that she pulls, plus he pulls his own crap. He thinks the stuff that my mom does to me is humorous and something to laugh about and enjoy. He thinks it's funny when my mom hurts me. He's perfectly ok with my mom throwing me under the bus to benefit himself. He's fine at a distance because we communicate about our hobbies or nostalgia but too much time with him in person and it's not so great anymore.
I'd been hemorrhaging friends for years, some of it my own doing with my emotional issues, some of it not, like how I am very susceptible to the wolf in sheep's clothing types. Some, though, were just changes in paths, not any conflict of any sort. But still, my relationships have very high turn-over.
I do have a few friends still, but they live all over the place and are definitely not local. And my attempts to make local friends have not gone well either. plus I'm legit terrified of running to another wolf in sheep's clothing. I don't think I can go through another one of those and survive. I really thought I was going to succumb to the abuse this time, not because I wanted to die, but because I didn't think I could keep going.
Anyway, I'm just feeling now like I think I'm being sent a message and now it's just going to be you. What you thought would be your life at 19 and again at 24, but after many detours, you find yourself on that road again, but much more worse for wear. Thus the title of this new blog that I am writing just for myself, I am now the Lone Wolf. I think will find myself happier as I better accept this, rather than fighting it at this point like I had been for the last 17 years when it all came crashing down. It's basically self-preservation at this point. I can't do this anymore with people that want to control me rather than genuinely care for and enjoy me.
I am sad now, but I won't be forever. And I did gain some nuggets of wisdom out of it, though a bit later than I would have preferred. My life isn't over yet, I will make the best of it, and make my own peace. I actually am reminded of when I moved to Redding in 2010, hoping for better luck socially and not finding it. The day I decided to be my own best friend and just do my nerdy thing, I was so much more at peace. Thank goodness I actually like it here and plan to stay put.
